This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked angrily, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin’ checking account in this damn bank!" "
I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
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Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
yes or no
ICY singh is appearing for her University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. she takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,swearing and sweating.The invigilator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour".
"But yaar", she says, "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote."
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,swearing and sweating.The invigilator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour".
"But yaar", she says, "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote."
A lesson about blood flow and circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
little boy
Little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little boy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"Little
boy answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little boy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"Little
boy answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
the statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood at the Smith's for three days like an idiot and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood at the Smith's for three days like an idiot and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
jet propulsion
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!
Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."
"We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in newyork now!!!"
Nb:reason is jet propulsion
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!
Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."
"We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in newyork now!!!"
Nb:reason is jet propulsion
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
divorced barbie
A father leaves work a little late one night and on his way home, he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought a gift.
He parks his car in front of a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the window?"
With a convincing voice the salesperson replies, "Well we have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie plays Volleyball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Dancing' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $265.95."
The surprised man asks, "What? Why does the divorced Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?"
Taking a deep breath, the salesperson responds, "Sir... the 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and one of Ken's friends."
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He parks his car in front of a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the window?"
With a convincing voice the salesperson replies, "Well we have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie plays Volleyball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Dancing' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $265.95."
The surprised man asks, "What? Why does the divorced Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?"
Taking a deep breath, the salesperson responds, "Sir... the 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and one of Ken's friends."
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shocked president
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!" His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!" His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
shocked president
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
larry's bar!!!
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
ruled by women?
One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Friday, February 10, 2006
governance!!
As daily habit Pintu was reading newspaper.
Suddenly he asked his father, " Dad! What does it mean by 'Governance System' ? "
" Its Like...", father said while thinking, " See! I earn and bring money to home, mean's I am a 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where and how to spend that money and that means she is 'Government'. That maid in our home is doing all the household works, so she will be 'Labour Class'. You are a 'Common man' or 'Public'. Your kid brother is 'Future' or the 'Next Generation', understand?".
That day Pintu slept with all those thoughts. In the middle of the night he woke-up because his kid brother was crying. He wetted the matrices so he was crying. Pintu went to woke-up his mother. She was in deep sleep so! Pintu went to the Maiden's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping. So he came back with frustration.
Next morning father asked Pintu, " Hey Pintu Darling! You understood the 'Governance System'? ".Pintu replied, " Yeah Dad, I understood! When money Holder is exploiting Labour Class, our Government is sleeping. Future of our nation is crying for not getting their basic needs fulfilled and in all this Common Man is suffering !".
Suddenly he asked his father, " Dad! What does it mean by 'Governance System' ? "
" Its Like...", father said while thinking, " See! I earn and bring money to home, mean's I am a 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where and how to spend that money and that means she is 'Government'. That maid in our home is doing all the household works, so she will be 'Labour Class'. You are a 'Common man' or 'Public'. Your kid brother is 'Future' or the 'Next Generation', understand?".
That day Pintu slept with all those thoughts. In the middle of the night he woke-up because his kid brother was crying. He wetted the matrices so he was crying. Pintu went to woke-up his mother. She was in deep sleep so! Pintu went to the Maiden's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping. So he came back with frustration.
Next morning father asked Pintu, " Hey Pintu Darling! You understood the 'Governance System'? ".Pintu replied, " Yeah Dad, I understood! When money Holder is exploiting Labour Class, our Government is sleeping. Future of our nation is crying for not getting their basic needs fulfilled and in all this Common Man is suffering !".
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
doorbell!!
One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you m ad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she said,"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!"
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you m ad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she said,"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!"
Friday, February 03, 2006
great jokes
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football
and the game went into extra time.
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi
in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the
window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football
and the game went into extra time.
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi
in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the
window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
dumb brother
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise! Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise! Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
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